Sunday, September 24, 2006

Movie Review - Perarasu

According to reliable sources... after his defeat in the elections, Vijayakanth has promised that he would act in four movies in one year for the sake of his fans. I am forever indebted to Vijayakanth for such a magnanimous move. I love my future life already.

Ok, I need to warn you. There are three basic qualities you would need to have to watch and enjoy this movie to the maximum,
  1. Delayed onset of Maturity
  2. Permanent Adolescence
  3. Maladaptive behaviour
These 3 things are absolutely essential, and you will watch the movie atleast a dozen times.

Here are other reasons to watch this movie.
You get two Vijayakanths for the price of one !!!! What more do you want ?
Vijay1 fights Vijay2 !!! And the world survives !!! What more do you want ?
Vijay1 is a CBI abeesar !!!! What more do you want ?
Vijay2 is a villager out to take revenge !!! What more do you want ?
Vijay1 is amazingly scruplous and has photogrpaphic memory, can draw blind since he has evolved past teh stage of eyesight. He can also divide by zero for upto 3 decimal places. What more do you want ?
Vijay2 never sleeps, outruns a space ship on top gear, lifts a jeep with his tongue, pile drives it on a wiseguy and eats glass for pure exhileration. What more do you want ?
Vijay1 talks like he gobbled a ream of paper, chewed on some asparagus and had shit out Konar notes. What more do you want ?
Vijay2 responds with smart oneliners straight out of a Maniratnam movie. He never shakes his head and when he does the world better beware. What more do you want ?
Vijay2 falls faster than class four particles and the rules of physics dont apply to him. What more do you want ?
Vijay1 occupies 90% of screen time, and Vijay2 occupies 80% of screen time. Totally the movie is 170% Vijay. What more do you want ?
Vijay1 tells Vijay2 "kadaiseeya oru ambalaya sandhikkaren". And they start throwing nukes at each other.

Are you still sitting down ?


Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Movie Review - Jambavan

Jambavaan - A treatise on the modern day relevance of the great Indian epics
Written on the lines of some VV reviews. (No i am not yet out of the VV hating phase. it will take Perarasu to get me out of that).

Believe it or not, this movie has been made for one and only one person. T.N Seshagopalan. Seshu, as he is affectionally called in his family circles has come up with one more stellar performance after the stupendous success in his first movie - "Thodi Raagam". Do you remember the chart topper of the 1980s...?

"Thodiyil Paadugindren
Odi nee Varuvaai Murugaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

- sung in Thodi Raagam and set to Roopaka Thalam

Seshu plays a famous carnatic singer in this movie too and carries the movie completely on his capable shoulders. His body language, facial expressions, vocal intonation and general aura give life to an erstwhile ordinary movie. His first appearance in a sillhuette where he intones about good and evil... whoa... unforgettable words. he starts out with a hymn, Shantakaram... in praise of lord Vishnu (actually... Lord Thiagarajan), for having made Prashanth.He then goes onto the Bhagavad Gita... with his stentorian recital of "yada yada hi dharmasya", he makes the metaphysical connect between Ramayana and Mahabharatha and primes the reason to for Jambhavan to start on a war path against evil.

Seshu's bewildered expression (like what a monkey would have after eating some wasabi) when Prashant talks about his love for the Reddy girl to him, and his one liner in reponse... ('mmmmm') emphasises Seshu's penchant for underplay. Marlon Brando would have taken time off from his current eating binge in hell to wipe his mouth and then deliver an epithet about hawaiian dogs. (or hot dogs.. if you actually get the SNL connect).

Seshu, (from now on referred to as Brando... if you may) gets the correct opportunity to exhibit his overt histrionic ability (the other end of the spectrum) when his entire family dies in a freak 'goondas burning entire house down after locking doors from outside...' accident. Brando walks in... his face drawn in tension and the confusion (refer previous paragraph for expression), he sees his dead wife, laments, cries, breast beats (not his wife's), gets a heart attack, bangs his head against Prashant and dies... all in one fluid motion. the entire sequence from Running In to Dying happening within 3 seconds. Breathtaking!!!

No one in the crowd realizes this and our man Brando plays the part of a dead man to perfection for 4 minutes while Prashant reminisces about each one of his dead sisters for 1 minutes each (you know how many sisters he has... Prolific Brando). Brando does not stir... he is wooden.. he knows when he is in limelight and he enjoys it, and you just cannot take your eyes off him. At the end of the sequence you only wonder why this Asian Brando has not occupied more screen time. It is a big loss to Kollywood.

It is all downhill from here on as far as the movie goes... once the star is gone, Prashant wants to wrap things up pretty quickly and in the next 2 hours, wears face paint, takes a couple of katanas and gets medieval on every rowdy ass in Chennai. End of story.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Vettayadu Vilayadu - Follow up

The merits of superficiality

Well actually I have been reading a few reviews about the movie Vettayadu Vilayadu. Someone told me, the really superficial people have been lambasting this movie while the people who analyze movies frame by frame have enjoyed it. Here is a short write up about what was enjoyed in the movie, by the people who claim to discern the good from bad.

Apparently to these reviewswers, brangan, bbalaji... and those other guys who write the reviews that praise VV, the positive aspects of Vettayadu Vilayadu were,

  1. How Kamal reacts to Prakash Raj in the airport (the grim, brief nod), Did you really enjoy that? I think all you are trying to do here is to prove that KH is better than Steven Segal. hmm.. OK. lets go on.
  2. How ACP Raghavan looks and talks like Kamal Hassan... (Isn't he acting?)
  3. The 'unique' presentation of how ACP Raghavan deduces the locations of the dead bodies. I found it horribly hackneyed... gut feeling... Raghavan instinct... No seriously, havent the people who appreciated it ever watched S.A Chandrashekar with his infamous lawyer movies and how lawyers turn detectives and the remarkable linearity in how they 'deduce'?
  4. How Kamal looks slightly obese and hence suits the role... check out the review by brangan. I thought he looked positively odd when he was bashing 20 year old kids with his 44 inch belly.
  5. The way Kamal's 'sandpaper' voice cracks when emoting. (I do not know if I can really enjoy such things in a movie)
  6. His bump into a girl in a disco, and obvious the startled expression ourman has, because our man is a devout conservative from T.Nagar, chennai 17.
  7. The re-emergence of 'masala movies' so that they can enjoy Kamal in all his natural wonder!!! I do not know if that was a contradiction... but I feel brangan was trying to bend over backwards and try to do something not worth mentioning here.
  8. The phrase 'Nara vettai' is 'eloquent'. I have no comments on this.
  9. Vett Vill was a 'police procedural presented in a dry manner'. 'A docudrama'. These guys have watched United Airlines 93 once too many times.
  10. I have to agree with them on not making any of Raghavan's family made important, being kind of nice. But when Kamal wants to occupy 80% of the screen time, his family is deemed to be put in the back seat.
  11. So a beggar remembers the girl. So Raghavan has a hunch that the beggar will know. So he interviews the beggar. So there is only one road from the bus stand. So there are no intersections in the middle of a town. So in 15 minutes, people in a red colour maruti van can only travel so far. All this takes 3 minutes of screen time. After the body is found, there is a 20 second shot of the nude body and Prakash Raj cries for 10 minutes of screen time. So this is 'tight screenplay'? 'a docudrama'? 'a dry police procedural'? Hmmm.
  12. "I know it sounds strange to highlight the love angle as the best aspect of a serial-killer thriller, but that’s what makes this movie so interesting." !!!!. I call that sycophancy. I would then ask you to admire the pump set used in the next Ramarajan movie. Will you find that interesting ?
Yes Ok. I know I am a bad finisher. This is how I finish. Bye

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Movie Review - Uyir

One Sunday afternoon... we actually did not have ANYTHIGN to watch. Completely bereft of ideas... we went to Devi. Seriously there were no movies that we had not already watched. Jerry, yes watched it. Naalai, again over and i liked 'Nuttu'... , Pulikesi... i even remember the dialogues.

And then we remembered.. "Thanannananana (3 times)... UYIR".. tickets were available and show time was 1 hour away. What to do ? Ofcourse.. what we usually do.. go sit in Saravaan Bhavan and buy the song book for the movie. (only 1 Rs). We read throught the lyrics really loudly.. and were very very lucky to not have been thrown out of our dear SB. BTW the aapam there is really good. try it out once.

Now back to the theatre... really horrible theatre.. the one that resembles the dungeon in the movie 8 mm... in the basement of Devi.. but then who cares? BTW waiting in line for them to open the theatre doors was officially the lowest point in my life. I do not think I have stooped further in my life yet, and I hope I never have to go that far down ever. Atleast there were no cockroaches inteh theatre...

Wasnt this supposed to be the movie review ? Well the movie is straigth out of your TV screens. Current tamil movies want us to believe that there are only two kinds of women in TN. THe ones like Reema Sen's, 9Thara's and Trisha's characters play... the ones that are college students and strut about wondering where to go for their dream sequence... and the ones like Sangeetha, Metti Oli's Rajam, Dhanam Akka,Leela and Saro who are eternally scheming to get things done their way in life...

Anyway Sangeetha is a working mother and wife of a percieved nincompoop (hero's brother), who gets tragically killed while testing the strength of a rope, the fan and his neck. Wonder why people get such weird ideas to prove their manliness... Anyway, this opens the lust lines between Sangeetha and the hero... and... and... and... there starts the ugliness. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The review for the movie will just be one line.

Now you know why there were no roaches in the theatre.
Thats it. Even they ran away.

I used this line once. I will use it again. I do not want to waste too much time thinking abotu what to write. The story line from now on starts as a tiny trickle of lizard urine, is joined by a few tributaries of Python regurgitation, becomes a raging river of Iguana vomit and dissappears over a cliff into oblivion. So does Sangeetha.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Movie Review - Thimuru

Why do villains speak only in vowels? Be it villis or villans, they all seem to suffer from a severe case of loose vowels.

Thimuru showcases quite of few of those. There is no shortage of consonantly challenged villains. THey even have names like Eera and Aatttaa. And they roam all over Chennai, and a nameless town (a la Wes Anderson), in their Scorpios and Sumos trying to find Vishal. (There is a town called ZyZyxx near Las Vegas... Are all Tamil movie villains from there?)

Now why are they after Vishal? Well apart from the fact that he is the hero, apparently he was the reason their sister got accidently electrocuted. She is aptly named No-Ohmaaaa... (get it? she couldnt resist electricity... lol I know... bad joke) (Hey BTW, electricity apparently is very friendly to certain people. Vishal stands in the same puddle of water that Shreya stood but still it does not harm him. Vijayakanth too.). Anyway putting logic aside, our man calmly goes to the city to continue his education. Boys will be boys... and so Eera, Aattaaa, Eeeniiii, Annaaaa, with a score of their derivatives board white Sumos and rush to Chennai and roam bus stands looking for him... (Lesson learnt... if you are hiding from militant vowels from the town of Zyzzyx, stay out of bus stands).

Vishal has to go there though... apparently because he wants to convince Reema that he does not love her, and so they meet in the bus stand where he ofcourse falls in love with her. (Oh I have already asked logic to step aside.. why am I pulling it back in... Sorry logic).

Anyway thats starts out a 2 hour climax for the 2.5 hour movie. Intersperesed are 4 songs. Reema covers one part of her body in each song, depending on the location of the song. Shreya who learnt her dialogues from someone suffering from severe constipation, rolls her eyes and thighs in one badly shot indoor song. Reema and Vishal get to travel to Finland, Malaysia, Gibraltar and Tibet during this 2 hour climax (check your dirty filter)... The Concorde proved to be handy.

Vishal seems to be at home throwing people about. Seriously I think his house is the most messy place on earth with people strewn all over the place with/without limbs/eyballs and wangs.

Ok I am now bored with this review. Bye. Watch this movie. I liked it. Its got everythign you would ever want in a Tamil movie.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Movie Review - Emttan Magan

Our man Thirumurugan who made the living room sofas sag in 90% of the tamil households with his monumental Metti Oli is back. With this amazing story. The movie spans 3 hours but it feels like 30 years. You actually become a grandfather waiting for this movie to end. You know.. he has proved Einstein right... everythign is relative.

Do you know what the plot of the movie is?

The father beats the son up on every occassion he gets.

Thats it. Thats the whole plot. No I have not left anythign out. The father beats his kid up black and blue for,
1. Not eating the liver of the goat.
2. For dropping some rice
3. For going to college
4. For dropping a spoon
5. For not stealing money
6. For not going to college
7. For going to a temple
8. For dropping a spoon... again
.
.
.
.
.

This is not an exhaustive list. There is 5 minute loop of the father beating the kid up... and this is repeated for the next 80 minutes... I have listed only 40% of the reasons.

So all this happens in the first 90 or so minutes.. which ofcourses takes me well into my middle age. Now he comes up with a 'solution' to this 'problem'.. Gopika changes her future father in law... with her 'kindness'. Thats it.. and this takes away the next 15 years of my life...

Seriously I would have prefered this movie to have been remixed with J Park.. and halfway through the movie a T Rex crashes in and eats everyone on screen. Problem solved. Have fun.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Movie Review - Vettayadu Vilayadu

Raghavan
Staying the process...
Top Dollar...
Covey lose?
Lets gooooo...


Thats how the movie starts... Do not go to the movie with any expectations... I am sure you would be dissappointed. I expected a laugh riot... a movie where you could laugh at Kamal trying to be serious by putting on fake accents (remember the time when he called Queen Elizabeth... ma'am.. with a call center accent?). I expected a movie where Kamal did superhuman feats with his belly tightly tucked into jeans and T shirts. I expected him to occupy the screen 90% of the time and talkabout how intelligent he actually is. I was partly dissappointed... in the first few and completely dissappointed in the final thought. He occupies only 80% of screen time.

There were a few laughs though,
1. "Raghavan instinct"... "Back at home"...
2. "I invited myself to the party"
3. His ability to emulate Ron Jeremy on every opportunity... Don't you feel he is a self percieved underachiever?
4. His presentation at the CIA headquareters where he makes fun of American political 'correctitude'.. We got our man.. ? oh sorry suspect :-).
5. The 55 year old iyengar maama is revealed for an instant when he asks the two 'suspects' if they were 'homosexuals'... and then he keeps repeatedly rubbing it in (hulo gentleman... no pun intended) with words like... 'kaadhali, 'aval'... Homophobic to say the least. Tasteless.
6.30 AM Saturday in the protaganosits' hallway,
2.30 PM Sunday after lunch, watching Jerry Springer
4.30 PM Monday walking on Times Square...
Such really idiotic titles had us in splits for a few minutes and then lost its purported novelty.

Jyothika... hokey dialgues and all... falling in love with Raghavan... I think she has drawn her eyebrows somewhere up north, to hide her really really huge forehead... it gives her a permanently surprised look even when she is crying. One character who was avoidable. Goutham I think needed her to make the climax engrossing. Is she kidnapped? Will she die or not? What a whore this Goutham is... You tried it in one movie.. why do it the second time too?

The movie was something new for a Tamil movie. Goutham has matured and has not resorted to too much 'macho' dialogues (remember thiruchelvan refering to 10 and 15 person shootouts as 'action blocks'?). He has been a sell out when he attempts to show grizzly shots (the blurred portions.. was that the censors or Goutham?), of severed body parts and naked cut up women.

The movie would have been better if there was no Jyothika and no songs. I would have actually ended up liking the movie then.