Saturday, May 05, 2007

Movie Review - Spiderman 3

There are some movies... that are so bad that you will not even enjoy abusing them. There was this movie called 'Marine' with John Cena which had absolutely NOTHING... neither new nor old... nothign at all. It just had John Cena chasing down bad guys and destroying them. I thought there could not be another movie that is worse than "Marine". This is by far the worst movie ever from Hollywood and it would take the likes of Rob Reiner, the weasel (whats up buuuudy) and Rob Schneider together to make a worse movie.

Then I watched Spiderman 3. I stood corrected. I have newfound respect for Rob Schneider. His movies can even be entertaining. Not even that Kashmiri movie that I saw in 1985 on DD... was as bad as Spidey 3. That movie had a story that was logical in all its negative IQ splendour. Spidey 3 had colours and sound. Thats it... thats where all similarities with 'movies' end. There is nothing else in Spiderman 3 that would make anyone... who can poop without help... call it a movie.

Nothing new in S3. You recognize old but necessary characters like the Spiderman, the aunt, the friend and the girl friend. They all are still in the same city and keep talking pretty much the same way about the same mundane things. You know the director has to keep stressing that superheroes have normal lives too. The only problem is that apart from those normal lives, superheroes seem to have terribly cliched superhero lives.

For eg: Spiderman suddenly says, "I think I will propose to Mary Jane" and the aunt comes up with an archaic story about how she and the dead uncle went ice skating in the Sahara... in their dreams. We had seen the same thing happen only 255234 times before in the earlier Spiderman movies. Usually seen with dialogues like.. "You gotta know what you gotta do..." and "Just ask yourself whether you would do what you wanted to do..." and "Would this actually make you do something better to yourself by not doing everything by itself". I really do not know how many rounds of whisky goes in before people write this trash... Thankfully such things were drowned by even more inebriated whistles in the CASINO theatre in Chennai.

Spidey also is eteranlly questioning himself... is attacked by evil thoughts/aliens and loses his powers to do 'good' to the world. Then timely advice by friend/aunt/dog/church bell... takes over and he regains his good spidey powers. Frankly if at all he had wanted to do any good, he should have slingshot the Spiderman 'reels' into space above and beyond, much ebfore they got a chance to corrupt us.

The S1 S2 mirros go on. There is the friend, who wants to wreak revenge on spidey, because he thinks he has killed the father. Then there is Mary Jane who is always aspiring to be something... and that somethign always eludes her. She wanted to be a singer, but it eludes her, she wanted to be a model... it eluded her.. and she fianlly wants to be a waitress... but she ends up on the floor... punched in the face by 'bad sipdey'. Pretty much like Kirsten Durnst... she had always wanted to act... and it will always elude her.

Tobey Mcguire. He had the same expressions in Seabuscuit as in Spiderman 1,2 an 3 and the same voice that he had as a kid asking for cookies. There is something innately idiotic about watching a 35 year old man whose voice has not broken yet, play an adult superhero with a 'Muraliesque' love interest. I cannot really put my finger on it... but I am sure if someone could... it would be a red button that would blow the entire Spiderman movie franchise off the face of the earth.

The earth is truly cursed if there is going to be a Spiderman 4. I would prefer an asteroid or global warming to that.

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